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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26276533">Composure: Concession, Presence: Perfection</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/servile_seraphic/pseuds/servile_seraphic'>servile_seraphic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Sex, Bottom Ikari Shinji, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existentialism, Fanart, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Wet Dream, ok bye now for it is time for my 'scream into pillow over kawoshin' hr, over the heartache that is this pairing, p.s. the fanart in this is so self indulgent lol, this is just the product of me consoling myself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:35:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26276533</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/servile_seraphic/pseuds/servile_seraphic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>(Canon divergent and set to proceed Episode 24, refer to tags.) Kaworu was embodied by the angelic spirit of a near godly being known as Adam; a powerful entity which holds the innate ability to surpass time and space allowing him existence in death even still. The thread of devotion tethered from this extraordinary soul that is Kaworu's to Shinji's own will compel them yet.<br/>Or, in other words: <em>Beside himself, Shinji disappears to crater lake as prompted by mounting distress after bearing Kaworu's horrific fate. There alone he witnesses a falling star among the twinkling skyline, one that upon his wish evidently opens opportunity within a dream to bring him that which he longs for most.</em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Composure: Concession, Presence: Perfection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNEGJwdlwm4">This End of Evangelion OST pushed me</a><br/>My dudes I just really enjoy the idea of seraphic spirit Kaworu once released from human existence enduring as an ever lovestruck entity who can't let go of Shinji. And him being righteously bound to approach him only through ethereal means, ones that Shinji is as well equally bound to lock behind his subconscious &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>          There manifests a particular existential peace distinguishable only under a fresh and endlessly clear night sky, expanding through any which direction of eternity. A twinkling offering lacking of worldly concepts such as judgment that Shinji observes undoubtedly yet struggles to inhale in part with the lakeside-scented winds that accompany it. His fingers sit laced taut together on his abdomen while his distant eyes study the stars above and how they gleam. Colors of gold, green, purple, red and blue, all exceeded by the overlay of a sacred, sparkling white. His elbows gain impressions of the tannish sand beneath him, pillowing his body with its chilled grains that he lays on. In the loneliness he grieves therein cicadas cry and waves clamor to overlap the dwindling music. Before their temporary calm within the inky lake they swirl about a winged, headless statue, crashing against all of the towering debris and fragments of stone that litter the waters they'll always know.</p><p>          Shinji wishes he could live and breathe just as these things do. It's maddening how confidently the homeless breeze moves fluidly through the motions of life against any odds, riveting how the ceaseless waves dedicate their constant respects to the planet as vast as their tireless dance. Astounding how the countless, prehistoric stars shine bright all while wholly ignorant—or was it accepting?—of the lonely, suffocating darkness that surrounds them. All of these wonders mindlessly integrate well and daily a natural tranquility they so blindly emit and too blanket him in, their wealth of comfort encompassing him as though his doomed being is worthy. How do they always, always thrive in the given moment and nowhere else, <em>living</em> life joyously yet holding absolutely zero consciousness? No regards sustained towards 'good' or 'evil,' sadness or happiness... these are the musings Shinji attempts to find any relief in.</p><p>          But that these wonders unconditionally assent to and fill <em>his</em> lungs, imbuing <em>him</em> with inspirations when he's just a pitiful, miserable descendant of Earth only sickens him presently. Why strike hope in a traumatized, depressed offbeat who wallows in a perpetual shock that condemns him, has him reluctant over willing on a frequent basis? He'd been born into the accursed Tokyo-3 by the likes of the relentless Instrumentalist Gendo Ikari, there can't possibly flourish any traces of prospect within such a fate. A frown on Shinji's face deepens into place. Kaworu had known inner peace well despite his own similarly accursed existence here, so well as to exude it from a single upwards quirk of his lips. He knew many things, things Shinji desperately coveted, if realized only under the other's guiding light. A light which he had snuffed out upon the most devastating- ...most <em>beautiful</em> imploring from the angel's confidently woven words to destroy him.</p><p><em>          "My fate dictates that I live on forevermore and destroy humankind in the process. Or... I could die here and now, there is no great difference in this, in fact there is equal value for me. But, death may be the only true freedom for me there is."</em>  Kaworu's voice became more tender as he continued, his words laced in affection that was decidedly expert in soothing Shinji, <em>"Only one lifeform may seize the future on this planet... and Shinji-kun, you are not the existence which ought to die. You and your kind need the future." </em>he had said through a genuine, radiant smile amidst a moment so grim, it kindled a rigorous flaming inside of Shinji's being that overcame their meters apart. From a deeply fixed and intimate, sincere red gaze, his pure intentions coursed through Shinji's EVA. Through his plugsuit and right into his wrenching heart that hammered against his chest; should it have been elevating in its throbbing, or sinking? He couldn't decide.</p><p><em>          "Thank you, Shinji-kun—I'm so happy that I could meet you. Because of you my life became meaningful to me. This is my wish: please, erase me from this world."</em> all of his words, they couldn't possibly have carried any lies with them. Yes, they made sense, because they had to. Yes, they had to be right, because Kaworu never once twisted the truth he spoke. And yet, was this bitter taste still lingering in Shinji's mouth simply <em>grief</em>, as distinct as the scent of blood on his EVA's hands as it had been then? Or was it denial he wasn't quite ready to shed? Fear, or worse yet, the remains of an aching longing to join Kaworu's lifeless body?</p><p>          He had clearly stated that Shinji must go on living, had expressed this as his sincerest last desire whilst devoid of any façade any human would have surely filtered confessions through. This is a respectable fact, he knows. He knows; though now, in this isolation where his mind flows to bring rise to his brutal honesty, all Shinji can feel to desire is to join Kaworu in that true freedom he mentioned. The freedom he granted him: freedom in death.</p><p>          He sighs. "Kaworu-kun, you knew what it all meant; the EVAs, people, even life itself. But I still don't. I shouldn't live, not after what I took from you. I don't deserve to, <em>I don't think I can</em>... it'd be so easy to end it all, right here. But... I want to know, were you hurting, too? When you told me your last words. Were you really at peace..?" he questions softly, breaking a hand away from its clasp to the other to extend toward the shining stars far beyond. His fingers splay on their expanses, and his tired eyes blink slowly under their glimmer. He starts into a hushed trembling of words, "I can't do this without you. I don't know what peace is, it's killing me Kaworu-kun, nothing's the same anymore. Please, help me here, what should I do..."</p><p>          Dejected, his hands fall to his sides, reflections of the unreachable galaxies slipping away from his blue eyes as they flutter closed. "I love you, too. I haven't loved and been loved since my mom left my life. Everyone just wants what I could give them, they're all like that. There's no love left for me now because it's spent loving what I <em>could</em> be, for them, for EVA. It's never just <em>there</em>. I-I'm just,"</p><p>          Shinji exhales another lengthy breath, shakier than the last. "...Meeting you was the happiest anyone's ever made me. You appreciated me, from the very beginning and you gave this all meaning for me, too. But... you're-" his words are severed by an agitated, sharp inhale. Shinji's voice grows ragged, "you're <em>dead</em>, now. Why did I have to kill you, why? <em>Why</em>... please. I just want you back. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry... you wished death, and, and I gave it to you, and maybe we all wouldn't exist without that, but I can't possibly live with myself. Not with Misato-san, Asuka or father... please come back to me. Help me, please, please Kaworu-kun, I just want <em>you!"</em>  he cries out. "If I can't have that love, th-then... what's the point in living any longer?" he huffs.</p><p>          He squeezes away the sting of forming tears followed by a little hiccup and sniffle, opening his eyes to blink away the blurriness to his sight, but just in time to catch a blazing comet glint across the skyline just above him at that very moment. Traveling in a haze of purple, red and orange before it fades out, the marvel makes Shinji gasp a hitch of breath so startled and immediate that it burns in the back of his throat. If he had blinked any second later he'd certainly have missed the event.</p><p>          This had to signal something, if just that shooting stars should occur but to draw from you a budding wish. "K-...Kaworu-kun?" ...it's an innocent whisper of faith one shouldn't <em>sanely</em> expect an answer to, a venture he hadn't anticipated. But, it hangs in the air the same, all of his anguish poured into a tiny, broken calling. However, Shinji knows his world isn't as sane as it used to be. Was it ever to begin with?</p><p>          No, not sane, nothing sane in the way the ghost of a benevolent whisper carried on a strong breeze coos his name and flutters through his hair. Rushing by his ears to fill them with the sound of a familiarly musical, masculine voice. His body shudders under a pleasant tingling that crawls down his spine and raises chills to his skin. Then a captivating glimpse of exotic red, smiling eyes that stare into him flickers within his mind. Shinji jerks forward subsequently, sitting up in a snap to survey the landscape around him. His chest heaves with alarmed, rapid breaths while he peers from left to right, then behind him.</p><p>          He's completely alone at this desolate shore, the incessant chirping of crickets remind him. He sweeps the remote lake a second time but he'd previously made sure of his total seclusion. He wouldn't have begun divulging his dismal accruements in thought and voice to the universe if he weren't. Shinji swallows down the itching apprehension and emotional lump that catches in his throat, and looks back up to the stars as if they can provide an answer. But are they, twinkling more than usual? Is it the underdeveloped tears at the corners of his eyes toying with him?</p><p>          Or does he truly take witness to those spheres of fire-light intensifying in the way they suddenly appear to now, pulsing and burning temporary little light spots into his irises. Then a light hearted smile he recognizes and adores with those fiery eyes fills his thoughts.</p><p>          "-Kaworu-kun! You're still here, right now, aren't you? Not physically, but," he quickly determines, his speech jumbling, "but you never left me, you're watching over me, right? Right?" and his lips are curling into a smile faster than he can register what spews from them next, digging his shoes into the sand from his excitement. "T-Talk to me! Please. Please, show me you're still real. I <em>need</em> you! Let me hear your voice again, Kaworu-kun! Kaworu-kun?" his voice is still laden with his uneasy spirit, but his tone bears his dreams even still. His dreams... </p><p>          <em>"Wait for me there, Shinji-kun. In your dreams I'll return so please, close your eyes."</em> The dulcet voice he'd so rapidly grown to release both bodily and mental tensions under drawls like heaven within his mind, echoing. It repeats and repeats on quieting loop as if his mind cannot handle, cannot comprehend it without doing so. Shinji finds himself melting back into the sand with a thud and moan of relief. A wild grin paints his face and warmth fill his cheeks, and those tears finally form to roll down them with the release of a breath he's sure took with it something he'd been clinging to. He closes his eyes and his consciousness is summoned from his dimension into the next, his body relaxing into the ground asleep.</p><p>...</p><p>          Shinji is sleepily, rapidly made aware that he is falling. Not by a rush of wind one would pierce through, nor the adrenaline of gravity pulling him down, but by the stars and space matter which whirl gracefully around him as he floats down, down, down like a pebble into an imperceptible, watery depth. Soon enough his soles sink upon a trail of orange-red nebula that sparkles back at his mesmerized face, his fantastical surroundings easing into a stilled, celestial scene that feels icy-cold to his skin. "Where...-?" he breathes out, batting his eyelashes, he hugs himself. It's a hauntingly beautiful though lonely view until, "Kaworu-kun..?"</p><p>          <em>"I'm here, please don't be afraid."</em> he hears the angel's kind voice say, tugging at his heart. Shinji whips around to look behind him, but he's greeted only by the innumerable, rainbowed stars. He raises a confused brow and turns back to the winding trail in front of him again. Just to find a soft, blurred orb of white light gradually ascend from the depths and approach him. It stops when at his level before expanding and steadily shaping into a humanoid form. This causes Shinji to inhale sharply and his eyes to widen. He becomes rigid at its alien splendor as the mass starts to ripple, and Kaworu's familiar face stands in front of him now. His lithe figure levitates and is naked though sexless and emits blinding, heated rays of magnificent light. Shinji gapes and has to initially cover his eyes and squint through his fingers. Wings cultivated of pure light sprout from behind Kaworu's glowing figure, reminiscent of a cross between a spider's legs and a dragonfly's wings, flaring ornate spectral sets of illumination.</p><p>
  
</p><p>          "Shinji-kun, hello again. I missed you too, didn't you know that? I do hope so." Kaworu says smilingly through a chuckle, and extends a bright hand to the other. Tears brim Shinji's sparkling blue eyes and he releases a short, joyful little sniffle, a relaxed and toothy smile settling onto his features.</p><p>          "There you are, ah, Kaworu-kun..." once he reaches for that open palm, it materializes that much more in his gasp, its radiance dulling into a more fleshy and pale tone he knew once before on Earth. His direct contact with the angel makes his feet touch the ground and those brilliant wings of Kaworu's diminish to evaporate into a strange, opaque mist. It instead surrounds them both and pools outwardly around them into an aura, taking on a delicate, circular shape of purple similar to a halo. Shinji gawks at the display in awe, "Incredible..."</p><p>          "Come, sit with me." Kaworu implores gently, and Shinji lets him guide him down into a sitting position without question. He isn't sure if what they sit on is entirely solid—this gathering of gleaming space cloud that slowly roils from color to color beneath them—but it suspends their postures as well as any seat could. So he wills away any apprehension and relaxes into it, though if he follows where it leads; twisting into a downward and apparently endless spiral, he thinks he can see the very channels of existence and creation. He's peering into what he can only assume is a <em>wormhole</em> he's read about only briefly within articles of the metaphysical. His brows knit together and his heart begins to palpitate in his throat, but the hand that's still wrapped around his gives him a soothing glide of Kaworu's thumb across his knuckles which returns him back into the moment, his eyes meeting the other's again.</p><p>          Kaworu affords him some seconds to adjust before Shinji breaks the now comfortable silence, "This might be an obvious question, but,.. where <em>are</em> we? What is this, what's happening?" he finally asks, his voice quiet. His eyes struggle not to glance from Kaworu's poised expression to view again his handsome, peculiar nude form, a soft luminescence still thrumming forth from it and giving off a subtle warmth that feels wonderful bouncing between them in this cool atmosphere.</p><p>          "Those are all valid questions Shinji-kun, but, hmm... to explain entirely what it is you're experiencing right now would take some time, which there isn't much of to begin with. I will try to be brief but there are things I wish to share with you foremost before I exceed the moment we have." Kaworu answers him carefully.</p><p>          "Oh... well, okay, I guess. What, then?" Shinji tilts his head with an innocent smile.</p><p>          "I want to share with you about what you said earlier, when you asked me if I was hurting. I-"</p><p>          <em>"What?!</em> I mean, wait, you- ...y-you heard that? Uh... all of it?" Shinji flushes, and that smile is wiped from his lips as quickly as embarrassment slaps him in the face, dusting it with a light, hot red. Sure, he had an inkling that Kaworu could have been listening to his lakeside woes, because his belief in lasting spirit had at least some presence to coax his voice, but... to actually be confronted about his personal ramblings? His hand clenches into a quivering fist under Kaworu's, but the other simply takes his hand into both of his own, his smile widening. He flattens the curled tension out of it and against his palm while his other hand clasps atop Shinji's, lacing his fingers with his. Kaworu rests it in his lap and chuckles lightly at Shinji's adorably mortified manner,</p><p>          "Hehe, I told you not to be afraid, didn't I? Everything you feel, I feel. Everything you say, I hear... especially when your words are for me. I may freely observe your life on Earth, but don't concern yourself with that information. Besides, I find you admirable in everything you do." Shinji's face is only turning more red by the second as Kaworu continues speaking, feeling the flush spread under his collar. "But, to explain further. Your torment is why I'm here now, because you clearly expressed that you desired my presence still. I empathized with your pain and couldn't listen to it any longer. Shinji-kun... it saddened me so much to hear the depressing things you said." he strokes his hand, worry on his face but he follows up with,</p><p>          "You're speaking with me now because I willed it, but only from your wish. I cannot intrude on your reality if it isn't within your wishes for me to. I hope you're content in this elaboration, it's all I can simplify for the moment." He provides delicately, and Shinji's hand finally relaxes inside his, weighing down on Kaworu's lap. He soaks up every word, and remains quiet.</p><p>          "Now, back to what you said before... as a human, it was true that I could feel inside me a terrible pain that I wouldn't get to stand beside you any longer. A very human longing filled me, but I wasn't entirely hurting, Shinji-kun... I was at peace in this. It's a peace I know to reside inside of you as well if so integrated. I knew then as I do now that that moment wasn't the end. One end is to open a new beginning, as is the law of all existence. Don't worry about those things... you should trust in the process." He smiles, so entirely sure of himself, that it inspires a smile onto Shinji's face again, too.</p><p>         "Wow... I think I understand, thank you. I mean, well... I-I don't know if I get <em>everything </em>you're saying, but, well... this is a lot for me to take in. But still I'm happy, I think. I'm happy that I get to see you again, that you're-" he looks down at their hands joined together, and holds on just a bit tighter. "that we get to be like this again. I know I said some, uhm... pretty scary things." he cringes, "But now that I know you're always with me..." he looks into Kaworu's eyes, and they soften, but his light eyebrows upturn and his smile falters. Shinji's smile does too. "...what is it? What's with that face, Kaworu-kun?"</p><p>         "Truly, I'm very sorry—but you won't remember any of this when you wake up. However, don't allow this insight to hurt you, no doubt your heart will remember. When I leave you again this stays deep inside you, you will have no memories of anything we've shared or the moments leading to. I'm sorry but it has to be this way, it's beyond my control and rather, a rule in place for your ultimate well being in the waking world. Please trust that it is never my intention to cause you pain."</p><p>         "But... but I, I don't... <em>what?"</em> Shinji sputters, turning himself away and looking downcast. The sore in his throat returns, his emotions welling and strangling his voice. "How is that <em>fair?</em> What's the point, then?" he retracts his hand away from Kaworu's hold, placing his hands instead at his knees, clutching at his slacks, he fixates on the fabric bunching between his clenching fingers. "Why am I here?!"</p><p>          Shinji starts to tremble. Starts to hyperventilate as he feels an icy prickling of betrayal stab at him, <em>again</em>, was he mislead? No, Kaworu wouldn't... that wasn't right, he shivers, he- he squeaks, when Kaworu hugs him suddenly. His pale arms wrap around Shinji's shoulders and tug him into a strong embrace, one that squeezes him in the best balance of meaningfully tight and lax. One of Kaworu's hands caresses his back to press him even closer into his chest while the other cradles the back of Shinji's head. He rests his head over the crook of Shinji's neck, cuddling him, wordlessly holding him into himself for a few beats until the other slumps there and lets out a sob.</p><p>          "<em>No,</em> Shinji-kun... please don't think like that." the angel lulls while Shinji pours out his emotions through the tears that stream down his face. He wraps his arms around Kaworu's shapely waist, holding onto him tight and burying his face in his warm chest. The hand on his back patiently rubs up and down as he cries. "As I said, our time is limited—and for that reason I can't have you focusing on those aspects. Focus on what's here, right now. Me, this warmth... this, <em>here,"</em> and Kaworu leans back just enough to look at the other's vulnerable, pitiful expression with his own serious one. His face just in front of Shinji's, his eyes lock onto his and he moves his own hands away from around him to instead place them on the other's wet cheeks.</p><p>          "Look at me; this is what you wanted, isn't it? Myself, my voice. I am still here, still real." he gently strokes his thumbs up Shinji's cheeks to dry his tears. "Am I not answering everything you had asked of me? Disregard the conditions... <em>I'm</em> <em>here</em> and with you, loving you, <em>that's</em> the point, that's why you're here and that is all that matters now. Love is the answer you've sought and now receive." his concerned frown cracks into his usual smile, and he leans in further to press his lips to Shinji's cheek, giving it a dedicated little kiss before moving away again, sitting back.</p><p>          "Do you get it, Shinji-kun? All in life is infinite, it's all constant—things never truly end, but transform. That is all that there <em>ever</em> is, it's the truth. It is the only thing you can ever count on—which leads us to the present moment." he then takes both of Shinji's hands in each of his own. "It's okay to put your happiness there. There's no shame, nothing to regret. It matters not what or that you forget, because what touches your spirit stays. So won't you stay present together here with me while the chance is ours?"</p><p>          Once again, Kaworu has him blushing within seconds as though it were only his natural ability tol, easily making Shinji content enough to release all of his tensions in favor of accepting the tranquility he offers. And once again, the newfound smile he's receiving sparks his own. "Kaworu-kun..." he sighs happily, and nods with a quiet hum. Kaworu gifts him with a short, light laugh, his eyes closing temporarily to bask in their fixed gazes before leveling with him again. </p><p>          "Now, was there anything else you wanted to know, my sweet Shinji-kun?" he purrs. His endearment makes Shinji giggle.</p><p>          "What?" he asks, humored, sniffling a little more. "What do you mean?"</p><p>          Kaworu slows his voice but not in any condescending way, "Hmm. You had a lot to say down there, on Earth I mean. I hope I've quelled all of your dwellings, but I can't be too sure. So, was there anything else I can give you?" he asks. Shinji savors it, the other's heartfelt coddling. It's refreshing and homey, domestic even. A flush induced sweat tickles his skin at the thought, and his thighs draw closer together.</p><p>          "O-Oh... maybe. I'm sort of having a hard time remembering what I was even talking about, haha... it's just, being here with you now- it's like I can't remember anything but this, uhm,.." he averts his gaze. "f-feeling, you give me. It's all I can think about." he chances a glance over to Kaworu again, who is smiling at him that very honeyed smile. Shinji giggles nervously. "Is that, okay..? Eheh."</p><p>          "More than." Kaworu answers simply, staring at him. His compassionate, undivided attention has Shinji squirming a bit, and his lasting silence makes him assume that Kaworu wants him to continue steering their conversation. Shinji licks his lips,</p><p>          "Okay... then, I think there's something I want to know, before I... y-you know." it still hurts to think about Kaworu leaving his life again, let alone forgetting this encounter, so he doesn't mention it. What he does mention, however-</p><p>          "Go on, anything, I'm here for only you." Kaworu squeezes Shinji's hands.</p><p>          Shinji blushes harder. He must look like an apple ripe for picking at this point. "Then, can we just, keep touching?" he blurts out. "If what happened in Terminal Dogma didn't have to happen, I was sure that we, well, y'know... that maybe we could continue spending nights together. A-And..." he can't stop his eyes from trailing down Kaworu's slim figure, from focusing at the sexless gap between his thighs. He loses his waning composure though when he looks back at him and sees that Kaworu had followed his gaze, striking red eyes leaving his own lap where Shinji was just staring to look at him again with a knowing, growing smirk.</p><p>          His soft laughter turns him red. Red, red, red, hot all over- "You remain so precious, Shinji-kun. Yes, I think I know what you're-"</p><p>          <em>"No!"</em> Shinji interjects, and he puts his heated hands over Kaworu's mouth as kindly as he can, throwing himself at him. There's a bit too much force though, and he knocks the other over onto his back, gleaming starlight spanning as far as the eye can see beneath him. "I mean- y-you're right. Just, don't say it... please." he looms over him, his eyes looking away again as their position adds to the building arousal inside him. But his lingering hands fly away when he feels a swipe of Kaworu's tongue lick his palm. He squeals, looking at him. "Wh-what was that..?!"</p><p>         Kaworu grins at him, all cheek, "I saw an opportunity to reciprocate your touch... do you not like it?" his eyes glimmer. Then he continues, "Don't be embarrassed. Our feelings are mutual and I see no reason to bottle them."</p><p>          "Our f-feelings? Don't say those things, it's... dirty." Shinji manages to whisper, his brows furrowing. His conflictions are very evident, and Kaworu lifts a brow at him, seeing right through him.</p><p>          "Am I wrong that you want me in the same way I want you? It's just the two of us here and no one knows it. Not a soul can see or hear us." Kaworu points at the purple aura around them, then his hands find Shinji's hips and tug him closer, earning a gasp from above him. He guides him forward until he has no choice but to kneel and stumble even closer, until he has Shinji sitting on his luminous hips, his clothed bottom on his groin. Shinji awkwardly balances his hands on Kaworu's chest, blushing. "I want to touch you, Shinji-kun." Kaworu's eyes move down Shinji's body, unabashedly appreciating him in his entirety. "I'm sorry if I'm going too fast. The truth is," he looks into his eyes again. "I can't help it. You asked for contact and it isn't hard for me to read in your face what that may entail for you, but it <em>is</em> hard for me to not sate those implications, you see." his voice lowers, "Because I crave to."</p><p>          "<em>Kaworu-kun," </em>Shinji whines, "but I'm so... w-weird. I'm weird and you shouldn't like someone like me that way." he babbles in a high voice. "But you do and it's not that I don't like you too... i-it's just that I can't stop feeling so- I-I have these crazy feelings for you too but I'm <em>so</em>..." he trails off, blinking down at him, his thighs shake against Kaworu's own.</p><p>          "Shhh. This is difficult for you to process so quickly, I understand. Let me help you." Kaworu soothes. "Just let me know if I'm right or wrong for now, okay? Nod, if you can't find your voice. Is that okay?" Kaworu offers, and he gets a meek nod from him. His hands on Shinji's hips start to pet him there, easing lower, to his thighs. They relax from his touch, "Good... okay. Then, Shinji-kun, a moment ago your eyes sparked a question in me, that is... do you want to have sex with me?" Kaworu's intimate voice questions him carefully through a smile.</p><p>           Shinji shudders on top of him and bites into his bottom lip, then squeezes his eyes shut and inhales deeply. He readies himself before opening them again to meet the angel's fixed expression. "Y... Yes." he admits quietly, and his shy smile trembles just a bit. Excitement runs down his body, and he lets Kaworu's hands continue to pet his thighs, the pleasant action creating a tent in his pants.</p><p>           "So, is it alright that I remove your clothes and take on a more like-bodied form for your comfort?"</p><p>           "Yes, but Kaworu-kun, uhm, please... go easy." Shinji states. "I've never done this." he tries to give him the brightest smile he can, and it's as though he blinked and therein Kaworu is human again, smirking at him. His being is dulled into normal colors, hair becoming an ashen white and his eyes darkening into a more crimson red, the glow about his skin receding completely now. Shinji feels the nips of human pecs under his hands and his breath hitches, the reality of the lengths Kaworu has been willing to go for him sinking in. Just as quickly, he realizes that now he's sitting on the other's... human, groin. Yes, very human, the stiff length he is sitting on definitely indicates.</p><p>           "I will." Kaworu promises gently, and he takes hold of Shinji's shoulders to lightly glide his hands down the other's arms, and as he does this Shinji can feel warm, skin-to-skin contact. He shivers, too embarrassed to look down, but he knows Kaworu has removed his clothing in whatever fantastical way is normal in this dream they're in together. "Lift for a moment," his hands find his hips again now, and he rubs his thumbs over them. "don't worry, this won't hurt in the slightest." he states quietly.</p><p>           Nodding, Shinji does, and Kaworu reaches between their bodies to angle himself, "You can lower, now..." he whispers, returning his grasp to Shinji's hip, the other is placed on Shinji's hand that rests on his chest. </p><p>           "O-Okay." Shinji whispers back, he gradually sinks onto Kaworu's member, exhaling a stuttered breath. The angel was right, it didn't hurt at all, in fact against anything Shinji might've imagined, it gave him only shocking amounts of ecstacy. As he leans forward toward the other, he soon comes to rest his bottom flat against Kaworu's crotch, fully connecting the two of them in a way that had him groan faintly.</p><p>           "That's so, so good Shinji-kun..." Kaworu moans, his eyes closing, he hums and strokes up Shinji's thighs, to his hips and sides. Adjusts his hips, raising them to feel him more which has him sighing again. "<em>Very</em> good." When he opens his eyes, Shinji giggles down at him with a flustered smile, and he smiles more back. "Mm? Did you like that, Shinji-kun? My praise." his playful tone asks.</p><p>           Shinji can't find his voice, so he only nods. His hands explore the white skin underneath them, captivated. Kaworu is flawless to him in every way, silky-smooth, it's almost addicting how soft he is to pet and fondle. So he doesn't stop and uses his thumbs to swipe up his light pink nipples. His body sends throbs of eagerness through him, pooling into his arousal.</p><p>           He's ecstatic by the quiet sounds of approval Kaworu makes, "That's wonderful," Kaworu offers in his hushed voice, and he mindfully runs his nails up Shinji's back, eliciting a shiver. Shinji's hands that he uses to balance on Kaworu quiver and with a soft chuckle Kaworu caresses Shinji's shoulder blades then his sides, "Are you ready?" he pulls him down, and when Shinji nods once again he pulls him into a kiss.</p><p>           With that he begins rolling his hips. Shinji sighs against his lips and moves his arms to hug under Kaworu's shoulders, opening his mouth to deepen their kiss. The hands on his sides squeeze him, and Kaworu is thrusting into him faster, making him moan. Shinji bites the others lip then pulls his lips away to breathe and Kaworu speaks again,</p><p>          "So perfect, Shinji-kun. I want to touch you more..." he breathes out.</p><p>          "Okay." Shinji whispers and sits up again, starting to ride him with more confidence, trying to bounce on his lap. "Ahh, Kaworu-kun..."</p><p>          Kaworu's hands feel up Shinji's body, then one of his hands take Shinji's cock in it, stroking him. Shinji whimpers, closing his eyes. Kaworu hums, "You're so good... that's perfect." his voice shakes and becomes more breathless by the word. The more energy Shinji puts into his movements, the tighter Kaworu's hand is around him, and he thinks it's driving himself crazy, because the noises that end up spilling from his lips sound nothing like he's heard from himself. He moans freely and moves his hips just as freely. Without hesitation, faster, harder,</p><p>          "Ahhn," Shinji gasps, "<em>Kaworu-kun</em>..." under him Kaworu grunts and rises his hips to meet his in quickening rounds. He notices that Kaworu's body is sort of vibrating from pleasure, and he thinks it's really cute. </p><p>          "Shinji-kun... ah, it's too much. Can I..?" His voice is strained, and Shinji looks at his blushing face. It makes him throb all over and he quickly nods, knowing he's just a second behind. Kaworu grips his thigh and tugs him down with his final thrust, and his orgasm hits him. He continues to work Shinji's arousal as he groans, until Shinji joins him and cries out. Before he knows it they've both stopped moving for the most part, inhaling deeply together. And before he knows it, Kaworu's body begins to glow again. Becoming more and more full of light; radiant, brilliant white light.</p><p>          "K-Kaworu-kun?" Shinji rasps, still panting a bit. Kaworu's hands suddenly take his and clasp them between his own, tight and hot.</p><p>          "Y-You're ready to leave, that's all. Our time is up," the angel pants and briskly sits up. He crashes his lips against Shinji's, touching his tongue with his and embracing him in a new tight hug, pressing their bodies close together. Shinji is entirely speechless and dazed when he stops kissing him. "Your soul's had its fill of me for now. Don't worry, your heart will know how to reach me... in those times you need me most I will visit again. I'll always, always take care of you, Shinji-kun. Remember that I'm always here, even when you don't... and, I love you." He's reverting back into pure, divine light fast before his eyes, so bright it begins to block out the view of his endearing red eyes and sweet smile. </p><p>          "Kaworu-kun!" Shinji squeezes him and vehemently kisses his gleaming figure, his lips and cheeks and all over, again and again, tears forming. "Don't go, not yet! I- I love you too! I love you, <em>I love you-"</em></p><p>...</p><p>          Shinji is sleepily, rapidly made aware that he is sitting. Hot ripples of water seem only to cease their lively, rippled animation when he realizes where he is, when he slowly blinks awake within the heat of the steam that encompasses his nude form. He's reclined in NERV's public bath, devoid of light. This makes sense, he thinks. He'd laid in the sand at crater lake contemplating his miserable life for a long time, so long he must have passed out from the exhaustion. Perhaps Misato took pity on him and collected him, but he couldn't be sure, his mind is rather foggy. Although the day's wholly traumatizing events had sullied his mind moreover his body...</p><p>          ...somehow there manifests a particular existential peace distinguishable only within this room the words <em>I love you</em> had been so freely expressed toward him a night ago. A gentle smile pulls at Shinji's lips, and all feels right in this composure. His eyes slip closed and his peculiarly tranquil mind revels in thoughts of Kaworu's lost love that is as inspiring and infinite as the stars that fill the night sky through any which direction of eternity. Despite the unattainability of it, Shinji's heart fills him with its soothing warmth even still. And for now, he's present in the inner peace he receives.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Remember in EoE when Kaworu manifested just to ask Shinji <em>"Are you alright?"</em> and Shinji's panic immediately dissolved into a euphoric smile and tears because <em>yey,</em> it's <em>Kaworu,</em> and he was able to relax from total mental breakdown?<br/>...Yeahhh, consider that tiny scene the inspiration for this fic (ﾍﾟ7°)」<br/>Also??? God explain how I ended up completing this draft on his birthday and also decided to throw in some art I've been itching to do?? <strong>Happy b-day Kaworu</strong> I had no idea!!? You're a Virgo like me, too!! UAAH<br/>Proof Kawoshin is magical and meant to be..... lmao anyway, hope this was some kind of enjoyable. &lt;3 I've read this work so many times it just looks like words at this point (gdi). I portray Kaworu as I see him: unconditional and ever understanding, I admire this greatly about him so I wrote him. Shinji needs it ;--;</p></blockquote></div></div>
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